Keeping secrets

Well, once agian my thoughts go back to childhood. A mix of shame, hatred, embarassment and resentment stir upwards as if I'm about to throw it all up. I feel so betrayed. Why me? What the fuck did I do to deserve this? So many nights I have cried my self to sleep asking why? Why me? Why didn't anyone help me? Couldn't they see the signs? If I could I would have painted it across my forhead! What the fuck? Looking back now, I can see that EVERY weird quirk and withdrawal and clinging I can 100% contribute to what has happened. It is riduculous! I hate it I hate him I hate people like him. I hate the memories, I hate the lack of memories, I hate certain smells, I hate some songs, I hate hating!! Some of the hating has made for me to become incredibly strong. Also I don't trust very easily, or too easily, I don't know... I'm sad, betrayed, mad, beyond mad! I'm overprotective of my kids. Every doctor tells me that I need to go to a therapist and get help. I tried, I thought that I was going to have a nervous breakdown! Who the hell wants to relive that shit! Well I was. No medicine made it any better. What is worse is that it only comes back in bits and pieces and its all mixed up. What are you suppose to do with that mess? Take a deep breathe, shove it back in, and put on your smile... just like you have done since you were 5 years old. Damn! I'm good at that, huh?