What happens in Vegas...

So we thought it was such a great idea... We are graduating college, if we stay here, we would have to get jobs and then we'd be stuck here in Massachusetts forever! We'd never be able to all that we talked about. We made up drunken stories of going here there and everywhere! We were gonna see the world! Yeah, sure! We ended up in Las Vegas, Nevada. I type this very sarcastically! Let me tell you "Vegas" is so over rated! My motto..." great place to visit, sucky place to live!" I got in with the 'wrong crowd' yet only by association. You know, I think back now and say to myself, "how fucking stupid can I be?!?!?" I'm lucky that nothing bad happened to me! It was only the SECOND weekend that we had been there. My cousins held a Labor Day cookout. Someone brought a friend of a friend. He was attractive. He was witty. He was drunk. I freaking fell for his charm. Again, I look back and think, "WTF, was I really that desprate for attention?!" YUP! The shit I put up with??? I think that I walked on eggshells for the what 3 1/2 years that we were together. Seriously, I stayed with him THAT long? Jeez! Dumb, Dumb, Dumb! There were nights that I would pray that he would get arrested. That was my BIG plan. He would get arrested, preferrably a Friday night, that way he would have to be held in jail over the weekend; giving me enough time to move all my things out and hide from him safely. Sad isn't it. I prayed this pray hunfreds of nights. Never came true. However, blindly, I did agree to marry him. WHAT??? Wake up stupid!! What are you thinking? I played the excite bride-to-be, the whole time praying that he wouldn't get THAT drunk at the wedding and/or honeymoon and embarass me. Well, luckky me, I didn't have to wait that long. He did that at my wedding SHOWER! Thank god my sister and stepmother had come in for it because without them I probably wouldn't have had the strength to do it myself. I SWEAR that all my praying DID finally get answered. I seriously believe that my deceased mother and aunt angels sent my sister and stepmother there. I know it sounds crazy but I couldn't have done it without them! I haven't felt that much heartache since either of their deaths. I did love him in a strange way. And he really loved me, the best that he could. Unfortunately, he was never truely loved by anyone. I really think I was the first to truely love him. Isn't that sad! I think that was why I had such painful heartache. He didn't know any better, really! But, thank goodness Lynn and Jan convinced me that I deserve better and to get away from him/it. And with very heavey heart I did. When you get away from something that has been causing you such anxiety for years, it is SUCH A RELIEF! I didn't even realize that I had such bad anxiety over my "relationship" but being away from it, I did. WOW! I'm not trying to shut him up from a drunking ramble. Or talking him down at 4 am because he thinks he needs to go confront someone, right now. Or yelling like a crazy women at 5 am because I'm trying to sleep because I have to work in 3 hours, yet he is trying to keep me awake. I can't believe no one said anything to me! Either that or I got REALLY good at it! What was I thinking?? When I first left, I did accept his calls. I went and visited him. He almost talked me back to him. But then I went to visit him for "our Wedding day" We were suppose to be together the day that we were suppose to get married... yeah, he got drunk, I left and went out with friends and I was so mad and knew that this was it, no more chances, I flirted with a guy that I had been eyeing the whole 3 years... and he flirted back! Step 1 to building back Deana! I DO still have it, and others like me. It's not what he would yell at me, all drunk..."yeah, go 'head leave! Who you think is gonna take you? You think your gonna find someone and he gonna marry you and have kids right away?? Yeah, sure Deana, Who the fuck gonna do that???' Seriously! He used to say this to me time after time when I treatened to leave him. Do you know how bad I wanted to call him or go to him and just run up all in his face and be so fucking cocky and yell, just like he used to yell at me, Yeah, Mother fucker! I DID find a guy, not just a guy... a MAN! Someone who knows how to act in public and knows how love, for real and love back. And act like a real productive human being! AND GUESS WHAT ELSE ASSHOLE??? He does what to get married, right away... to me! And he DOES want kids right away, with me! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT DICKHEAD??? But I took the higher road... a couple of years later I found out that he really took the downward turn. He had always played with drugs but not much, really. I guess at the end I did see it more, but I really didn't think much of it, Drugs weren't "his thing" Booze was! Well, sadly I found out that he had succomed to a very bad drug habbit. I'm assuming Meth. He stole a car and got caught... a pray finally came true. He was sentanced, I think for like 7 years or something like that but got the oppurtunity to go to rehab, AND HE DID IT! I felt bad for him...he knows no different. His parents are horrible and taught him to cheat anyway you can, always try to get what is best for you, fuck the others, no matter who it is. The father was a drunk too, and the mother a drug addict. Honestly... these were gonna be my in laws... Can you even imagine me living in this life??? All I can say is What happens in Vegas, REALLY does STAY in Vegas...

The unknown

I need some answers but am too scared to ask. I need to know why. Did they know? I think that they might have suspected. So why wasn't anything done? Do you know what it was like having to face him all the time? I was MADE to bring him plates of food or coffee, whatever. I wanted to pour it over his fucking head! I didn't think of it at the time that it was happening but now I think back and say why did every adult that I trusted and counted on to guide and protect me, let me down so greatly? At 17, I had a breakdown. Basically a nervous breakdown. My mother had died months earlier and I finally broke. Between the death of mom and being forced to actually be face to face with this slimeball, I couldn't take it. I actually told the doctors. Actually, they knew it. They asked me. How can doctors that I have never seen before in my life, look at me and know what was happening to me but my own family didn't? I feel betrayed and abandond. I want to know why my father acted and still acts like it never happened. I think that my mother suspected and on a drunken fury, I think that she tried to do something about it. I vaguely remember us all being at the Rockland Fair with our cousins and Aunts and my mother yelling "that mother fucker" and carrying on. She was crying and pulling away from the other adults trying to calm her. And then she stormed off. I didn't see her for the rest of the night but heard the adults whispering that she went there. I don't know if this incident was about me but I think that it was. The unkown is a ball in my chest. Did she try to protect me? Did someone that loved me actually try to protect me? I have hope. But the unknown could kill me if is not the way I remember it.

Dreaming...

Dreams are suppose to be glorous and magical. A beautiful girl, running through a field of lavender. Fun being had by all the players in the scene. Somehow I only see these scenes on my TV screen. My dreams are so very often troubled. I have about 5 to 7 or so re occuring dreams that seem to just re play over and over again in my sleep. There is the one that I am running crazy fast down a spirl staircase yet never reach an end. Round and round. Its a white painted staircase with white walls. I think its an old building. Round and round... Then there is one where I seem to be flying, its very often through like a jungle or where wild animals, lions or cougars or something. Then the one that I'm being pushed down the stairs. This one is so vivid! It feels so real I remember so badly feel myself grabbing the sides of the wall, holding on for dear life. One that I have been having since I was a kid. I'm in my childhood bed and the hallway light is on. I can hear the adults whispering and for some reason, I'm scared and very sad. However, I don't know if this is a real life happening, that I now dream about. It's kind of fuzzy. So many have told me that I talk in my sleep, mumble. I also cry, alot. I think that in my dreaming is where I get all my negative emotions out. I dream that Mom comes back but keeps luggage at the door because she has to leave again. The entire dream is heartbreaking. I'm so excited that she is there but cry the whole time knowing that she is going again. Then there is another "Mom" dream that she came back to us and told us that she wasn't dead but in this one, she is always seperated from us. Its so sad. I hate that she doesn't talk to me much in my dreams. I can see her but I get no answers. I don't like my dreams.

Keeping secrets

Well, once agian my thoughts go back to childhood. A mix of shame, hatred, embarassment and resentment stir upwards as if I'm about to throw it all up. I feel so betrayed. Why me? What the fuck did I do to deserve this? So many nights I have cried my self to sleep asking why? Why me? Why didn't anyone help me? Couldn't they see the signs? If I could I would have painted it across my forhead! What the fuck? Looking back now, I can see that EVERY weird quirk and withdrawal and clinging I can 100% contribute to what has happened. It is riduculous! I hate it I hate him I hate people like him. I hate the memories, I hate the lack of memories, I hate certain smells, I hate some songs, I hate hating!! Some of the hating has made for me to become incredibly strong. Also I don't trust very easily, or too easily, I don't know... I'm sad, betrayed, mad, beyond mad! I'm overprotective of my kids. Every doctor tells me that I need to go to a therapist and get help. I tried, I thought that I was going to have a nervous breakdown! Who the hell wants to relive that shit! Well I was. No medicine made it any better. What is worse is that it only comes back in bits and pieces and its all mixed up. What are you suppose to do with that mess? Take a deep breathe, shove it back in, and put on your smile... just like you have done since you were 5 years old. Damn! I'm good at that, huh?